the hole that punched the stapler

MELLOWING

2007-04-29T20:36:00.000+08:00

I was just thinking about it the other day and it occurred to me that what I seriously lack at work is ambition. This leads to a lack of motivation and just a complete lack of desire to be the best at whatever I do. This makes life very difficult because there's a constant struggle between being excellent and just being nua.

This was the catalyst behind my entire thought process about what I would loosely term as 'mellowing'. I remember that when I was younger I used to have so much ambition, so much drive and passion for the future and I do not even know what. Perhaps they were all lofty ideals. But at least there was something in me that represented that hope. It made me feisty, desirous to have my opinions advanced and somehow I thought I could take on the world come what may. Sometimes I may even have appeared brash and arrogant. I despised the ordinary. I hated being called nice because it was just so boring. Everything was about excitement and something better, something more, something extraordinary.

Somewhere along the way things changed. I think the greatest representation of that change is how now deep in my heart all I wanna be is nice and ordinary. I don't wanna stand out. I don't wanna pick a fight. I just want to be simple and plain. So strange. When people think I'm nice I actually feel happy. When people understand that actually I'm a person with very simple needs, I feel great peace. I think on some level that is all good. But on some other level, drive is what makes us wake up every morning happy and passionate, gearing up to start the day. Ambition is what propels us into the future and makes the present worth living. That I really need to re-appropriate. Otherwise my life will just descend into passive insipidity (if there is such a word) and obsolete oblivion.

Something a friend said the other day really struck a chord. He said something that to me meant this: It is those who do not want power who should be in power. Because they will not be corrupted by power. Unfortunately it is those who crave power that last to attain that power and that's why the world is so messed up today. It is also unfortunate that drive and ambition can really take u so far. You don't even need alot of talent or amazing abilities. Human resilience is really a powerful weapon. The corollary of that is u can be the most talented person in the world but if you lack the drive, it's not really gonna cut it.

So I feel quite strongly that the next phase of my life involves appropriating the benefits of mellowing i.e. being comfortable in my own skin, being contented with my station in life and yet simultaneously recapturing that desire to be more than who I am and who I can be. So that I can be a positive influence in my own little way.

Mark 11:24

2007-04-06T00:13:00.000+08:00

"Everything you ask for in prayer will be yours, if you only have faith"

Time: During leader's meeting at Touch Community Theatre after making a 600k mistake at work.

Request: I need a title for this song. Any suggestions?

Remarks: This is my favourite song written so far because of the tears that accompanied it.

O Lord I've often wondered what you see in me
To be the super human that You've called me to be
So many times I've faltered
So many times I've failed
But through it all You say You love me still

O Lord I've always wanted just a simple life
A life that's quite relaxing and that's free from all strife
I never wanted fame or fortune
I never wanted a life that's grand
But You say to me
That You'll give me the land

O Lord I need that simple faith to move the mountains in my heart
The me I see and the me You see are simply worlds apart
To the measure of my faith You said that it will be done
Help me believe in You I'll soar when I run

Follow - up

2007-03-29T22:17:00.000+08:00

Jayna is well! She's a miracle baby! Yeah! I'm so happy. Jayna means God's gracious gift. Thank goodness, her mother did not listen to me and did not name her Evangeline! Haha! God is good!

The things we often take for granted..

2007-03-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

Less than a week ago, one of my good friends gave birth to a baby girl. Her name is Jayna (God's gracious gift). A very lovely name and a very lovely baby. But she's born with the blood vessels in her heart inverted. On the very day she was born, she stopped breathing for long enough to nearly lose her life. But thankfully her breathing came back on time.

Today, I went to KK hospital to visit baby Jayna. She can open her eyes and her hands can move. Put together, she looked like she was stretching. Very cute. At the same time, there were these tubes sticking out of her nose to help her to breathe. And another tube out of her mouth to presumably feed her? I don't know.

There are many technicalities I do not comprehend. But I look at baby Jayna and my heart was weeping though only a tear or two came through the eyes. Honestly, if I could I would take her place. At least at my age, I would have experienced love, joy, peace and hope. But baby Jayna, since birth, has had more bad than good experiences.

Before I left the hospital, I prayed for baby Jayna, I prayed that just as God can part the red sea and can stop the sun in the sky, God can also heal baby Jayna and make her whole again. I'm really praying that she will be a miracle baby.

To the rest of us, let's not take our health for granted. Eyes to see, ears to hear, a heart that beats regularly, even the air that passes through our nose. There are really a million and one things to be thankful for...

STAND TALL

2007-03-14T17:14:00.000+08:00

Genesis: In my moment of sedation... On MC.
Origin of title: Brudder.

STAND TALL

Many days of my life
Are filled with strife
A million things to do
And I just lose my cool
The worries that I bring
To my stubborn ways I cling
In humanity I go on with my tasks
For the help of God I often forget to ask
Until I pause and look at me
Is this the one He wants to see?

There were many times I wanted to quit
The journey's long and it's just not worth it
In times of trouble
When I get uncomfortable
He said the narrow path is the way to go
Jesus His son He sent the way to show
When storms cause us to fall
We can still stand tall
Because He'll always pick us up
Through it all

Late at night before I fall asleep
The failures of the day in my mind so deep
Hey God is it possible?
To make tomorrow short and bearable?
All I wanna be is that beacon of light
To point the lost to the way that's right
I'm hopeless as can be
Without Your Spirit guiding me

Teach Me to Love

2007-03-11T22:02:00.000+08:00

Genesis: Showering in the Bathroom.
Style: Country-ish?
Instrument: Guitar

TEACH ME TO LOVE

Just the other day
I sat down and prayed
I asked the Lord to help me
To love them in His way
It didn't take a moment for me to break down and cry
For there were many times I knew
I didn't even care to try

I asked the Lord to help me
Melt this heart of stone
Many times I've wondered
If I'm stuck in this alone
Dear Lord Jesus fill me
With your mercy and your grace
Give me a heart that's big enough
To always love with Your embrace

Teach me (us) to love
Teach me (us) to love
Don't wanna be a resounding gong
Or an instrument gone wrong
Teach me (us) to love
Teach me (us) to love
I (We) wanna be like Jesus
Loving His children in my arms

And as time went by
It became easier to cry
And catch a glimpse of the Father's love
For those He sent His son to die
So many people hurting
If you only cared to see
To bring to them the Father's love
That angel would you be?

i KID you not

2007-03-08T22:55:00.000+08:00

I don't wanna grow up.... I'm a toys 'r' us kid.....

Actually it's ok even if I'm not a toys 'r' us kid as long as I'm a kid.

Cos being a kid means that people around you have to constantly take care of you and watch out for you. You are thereby protected by a superior being without having to be concerned about your own interests.

Being a kid also means that you're fully entitled to do the stoopidest things in the world and say the dumbest things and the worse thing that can possibly happen is appearing with Bill Crosby on 'Kids say the Darnest Things'.

I loved being a kid cos it meant that I can sleep for hours and hours every day. There's simply nothing else to do.

I wanna be a kid cos people do not assume that you know better. You're just too young to know in most instances.

I would love to be a kid because generally kids are cute. Kids are the highlight of Chinese New Year, basically the attention grabbers at all family functions.

The ultimate best thing about being a kid is that you start on a clean slate of health, a heart that's not been hurt or battered by life's storms. You're free to eat all the cholesterol laden foods and you're open to embrace any friendship or relationship without fear.

Bottomline: I don't wanna be an adult. Bleah.

Random Questions...

2007-02-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

Is it time to file income tax again? Why is it that IRAS has sent me a letter containing my pin number to file income tax so soon?

Is it just me or is Chinese New Year not as festive this time round as it used to be? Why is it that I don't feel that celebrative mood in the air?

Is it true that once you have problems with your scalp you will have it for the rest of your life?

Is it possible for an allergy to dog fur to cause you to itch all over for many many days? And cause your eyes pain while ure itching at the same time?

Does anyone agree with me that not all babies are cute? And those who say so are blatantly lying? But of course I agree they are all special.

How is it that alot of english words when combined together do not seem to add up to its individual parts? e.g. Re-lease does not mean to re-rent. Let alone pot-luck, butter-cup and pan-try, just to name a few.

Today I went to Lee Hwa...

2007-02-10T22:33:00.000+08:00

Today, I went to buy a pair of earrings. I've been meaning to since one of my friends gave me more than 500 points on my Lee Hwa card!! I must publicly thank him for his great generosity! Thanks Jack!

It's been 4 months since I've been meaning to get new earrings. I had my eye on this pair of destinee earrings and probably went back 4 times to try on the same pair but each time I did not buy.

Today I went back again and spent about an hour in the shop. I brought my mom along lest she scolds me after the purchase (which frequently occurs, cos without her great wisdom, I her foolish daughter am incapable of making a good buy).

Anyway, halfway through, she commented that unlike her, who will just buy the first item that catches her eye, I literally compared every single pair of earrings I took a liking to. I browsed the entire shop firstly. Then I shortlisted them pair by pair and would have 2 pairs competing to be bought at any one point in time. Until I was down to final 2. Then I will make a comparison based on the brilliance, the price, the practicality (cos I was getting earrings for daily wear and I go to the gym almost every weekday, shouldn't buy too expensive ones).

I finally bought a pair of loop earrings which I thought were affordable, pretty and practical.

But apart from the purchase per se, I was just thinking, am I like that with every thing? Do I screen all that I can before making a choice? Am I always that prudent? I don't know and somehow I don't think so. When I see a dress, I'd just get it if it fits and I like it. But maybe that's cos it's usually alot cheaper. So does that mean when it comes to choosing a husband I will wanna screen the whole world and consequently die a spinster? Does it have to do with the fact that where important things are concerned, it is difficult for something to be good enough for me?

How did a trip to Lee Hwa result in so many questions? I sometimes wish I was a simpler person - like my mother. :-)

The Break Up

2007-02-10T22:12:00.000+08:00

Today was the first weekend I've not had to work since I came back from Vietnam and apart from the usual jog at the beach, spending time playing my guitar and reading the Bible, I decided to do what I like to do when I've free time! I rented a VCD from Eastpoint - from a shop named My Vision Pte Ltd.

I wanted to watch a romantic comedy because they are mindless and entertaining. I toyed with the idea of renting Bend it Like Beckham or something really insipid like Just my Luck. But I succumbed to the recommendation of a friend and got "The Break Up". She (who shall remain unnamed) said it was a good movie.

First disc. I fell asleep halfway. Ok maybe it wasn't the fault of the movie. I was sleepy.

But seriously towards the end of the movie, I was just feeling really annoyed at these two adults who didn't seem to know the meaning of the word communication. She tries to make him jealous by going out with all sorts of unattractive men. He rejects her one attempt at reconciliation by not turning up for the date without even a good reason. She doesn't tell him properly that all she wants is for him to show that he appreciates her. He plans a strip poker party at their condo to irk her to death.

Oh c'mon. Am I being harsh?

I was annoyed all the way until the scene where she finally had a quiet moment on her own in her bedroom and broke down in tears. He comes in, sees her crying and later confesses it was the worst moment in his life because all he wants to do is make her happy yet he does all these things that make her unhappy. And by the time he is willing to give it another shot, she has no more heart to continue trying. Then I got sad.

I got sad because the characters themselves professed that they would have done a thousand things different if they had to do it all over again. I guess that means, amongst other things, no trying to make the other jealous, no stoopit poker parties. And above all, I got sad because both had the heart to love the other, but at different times. So in the end they broke up and led separate lives.

If only they had communicated....

Vietnam and The 'Other' Me

2007-01-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

Ok, this may come as a shock to some but I appreciate art, I adore history and I am easily enamoured by the culture of a place.

Let's take it one by one.

Art. During my holidays to Europe, I'd spend my days like this. I'd wake up in the mornings and have a leisurely breakfast. Take the train to any art gallery I fancy and spend my time there looking at paintings, sculptures and what have you. I'd adjourn for lunch and spend my afternoons at a cafe reading a book before meeting a friend for dinner. I'm particularly into impressionist art because it creates the illusion of vagueness. Ephemerality if there's such a word. As if we live in a world that's fleeting and devoid of definitions. I like that kinda feeling. I think in Mandarin they call it "yin3 yin3 yue4 yue4". (Mental note: next think I must learn is how to type chinese characters on blogger.)

History. I am not so much interested in the theories per se but more about dynasties, wars and enigmatic rulers. American history to me is very interesting because each generation of Americans were shaped by their leaders. Ronald Reagan and his famous 'good morning america!' slogan ushered in an era of hope. Jimmy Carter, though not exactly renowned for his competence, is my personal favourite because he strikes me as a man of peace (not just because he won the noble peace prize). Richard Nixon was the scummiest of them all, but that's probably cos of the Watergate Scandal. I could go on and on and expound on all the American presidents, Chinese emperors, the Napoleon wars and all that I can recall from my education but I think you get the drift.

Finally culture. I am quite intrigued by the Vietnamese culture. By how humble, resilient and peace-loving the people are. To come up with the very idea of tunnels and executing the plan in order to defeat the Americans in the Vietnam war, to me is ingenuity in real life and in real time. Yet 20 years after the war ended the Vietnamese are able to embrace American tourists as a way to boost their economy and as a way of life. I did not detect any resentment or ill feeling on their part. Maybe I hung around the wrong side of town. Maybe I have bad radar when it comes to detecting such things. But maybe I am right. I feel that the Vietnamese do not nurse a deep grudge against the Americans, unlike the Japanese. I think the key difference is pride. It is also amazing to me how the Vietnamese are not in a hurry but yet are all socially and economically productive.

These are random things I picked up during my week long trip to Hoi An and Ho Chi Minh just. Of course things may change in due course. When more and more capitalist reforms set in. When the economy starts to soar and skyscrappers start to dot the Vietnamese sky. Things will change.

I guess what inspired this post was a conversation with a friend who was shell-shocked when I unveiled the above facets of me.

I do appreciate the allegedly 'finer' things in life sometimes.

And so this is Christmas...

2006-12-25T14:08:00.000+08:00

It was an exceptionally meaningful Christmas this year. Because of 2 simple events.

First up. Went carolling at Hazel Park (a Condo) with a whole bunch of friends. We split into 2 groups and my group managed to cover one whole block, from 19th floor to the 1st floor. It was great because I felt that we brought Christmas cheer and the blessings to every household we sang to. And it was not something ordinary to do during this season. To give time and effort to blessing total strangers. And the group dynamics was amazing. If it were me alone it's not something I would ever consider doing but as a group I actually enjoyed myself. And the grand finale at the amphitheatre actually drew quite a crowd, kids, adults and a dog. At the end of the performance, the residents were very appreciative. They made us drinks and gave us candies and chocolates. I guess the human spirit feels fulfilled when you have made someone's day a little better. Deep inside, we all crave to belong to something bigger than ourselves, to impact others positively, to be a source of blessing to the people around us. It gives us a sense of purpose in this otherwise mundane life that we lead.

On Christmas eve, we had a party at my house! My parents' cell group were here and so were my paternal relatives. There were I think close to 50 people in my house. And I thought it was a great chance for my family to be hospitable hosts, to the exclusion of me because by comparison I'm just really bad at this hosting thing. Even my brother is way way way better than me. But it was particularly meaningful because I saw my house and the members of my household being used to bless others. We also thought it'd be weird to combine the 2 groups of people but it worked out really well. We sang carols and we shared about what Christmas means to us and all in all, there was abundant joy and peace in the Poh family on christmas eve.

So thank you Lord for a meaningful Christmas and thank you all for playing a role in making my heart warm throughout this rainy season...

The One and Only Emil Chau

2006-11-29T23:49:00.000+08:00

For the uninitiated, Emil Chau/ Wakin/ Zhou Hua Jian is performing in Singapore on 2nd December 2006. I'm still undecided on whether or not to go... I've not bought tickets but I think I'm probably right to assume that it's not sold out. And it doesn't really matter whether I get good seats or not cos he's hardly anything to look at.

If I do go, I'd go alone. Mainly because a concert is hardly a social activity. It's between you and the performer and I suppose the memories that come along with the songs. I don't really know why people go for concerts but for me, it's either cos I really like the singer e.g. David Tao or because the songs mean something. I've only ever been to 2 concerts in my life i.e. David Tao and Jay Chou but none of them can compare to Emil Chau simply because Emil Chau walked me through my whole life. Through my pre-teens to my teenage years and guess what? He's still around now.

At different stages of my life, his songs represented an emotion, represented a pleasant memory, an unpleasant memory. So many things which I still feel, which I've since forgotten I felt. Going to his concert would be a major exercise in nostalgia, reminiscent of heartache, of infatuations, of dreams long gone, experiences which were insignificant then but significant now.

Going to his concert would be almost cathartic. It is definitely self-indulgent.

Yet if I don't go, I've no idea when he would ever come back.

Tough.

HALF-DAY

2006-11-24T08:42:00.000+08:00

Things to do on a half-day off!

1) Go to the hairdresser and fix your hair which some allege make you look 10 years older. U think it will take 3 hours max to finish at the hairdresser? TEI! Try 5 hours.

2) Go for that body scrub and massage you've been aching for for ages. Remove the grime and rejuvenate the joints! (Sounds good right. I've always wanted to write those spa catelogues. I can even write rhymes!)

3) Sit at a cafe in the CBD and read book for the whole afternoon. Quietly chuckle to yourself as you watch the office crowd hurry from place to place.

4) Stay at home and spend time with your father to ask him how's his business. And if possible, ask him if u can retire. And of course, try to convince him that it's a fantastic idea to have you in the house every weekday.

5) Go and watch 3 movies in a row to catch up on all the films u've missed! And feel your brain going to mash. So don't do this too often.

6) Sleep. Wake up and feel the baby soft skin and marvel at the wonders of sleep. I love sleep.

7) Cook. This is something I've always aspired to do. Especially to learn how to cook something really complicated like oatmeal prawns so that I can impress other people with my special dish. But u know.. as with most aspirations, it remains just that. An aspiration.

8) Meet with a friend u've not seen for ages. But be prepared for him/her to say you look old and haggard now. In which case, revert to activity 1 or 2 on next half day off.

Seeing as how I've had 2 half days off this year, I will not attempt to add to the list any further.. but I've done 1, 2 and 4... so that leaves me with enough activities for 2007!

a M-O-M's heart

2006-11-19T23:24:00.000+08:00

Dear daughter...

If you knew the times I thought about you. If you knew about the hopes and the dreams I cherish in my heart for you. How I sincerely and truly desire for all the beauty within you to be unleashed and for you to achieve your maximum potential. I see all that you are and all that you could be. And yet that is within my limited knowledge and understanding. There's immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine that will happen in your life.

I am excited. Because I see these hopes and dreams becoming reality. I cannot wait for the day when your strengths are in full display and your weaknesses have been transformed. One day, you will be the most beautiful woman in the world.

Along the way, things may get tough. You will be distracted, discouraged and filled with doubt. You'll wanna give up, throw in the towel. Know in your heart that I'd never want to give up on you. Because I believe in you. Because I know that u're made of more than u think.

If u'd only just press on and walk the rest of the dark tunnel, you will see that there will be light. The light from which all other light finds its source. And then you will know that you are home, right where you belonged. So don't leave the tunnel. It's just not worth it.

I don't know it all but I believe in Him who does. And I believe with all my heart that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.

So dream along with me. Journey along with me. Grow old along with me. For that is the most beautiful thing that can ever happen.

Love,
MOM (mother of multitudes)

Cetera the Hero

2006-10-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

The Glory of Love (Peter Cetera)

Tonight it's very clear
As we're both lying here
There's so many things I want to say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

You'll keep me standing tall
You'll help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

Just like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am the man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

I love this song because it talks about heroes, knights and castles. During a time when chivalry and honour was more prominent. During a time of adventure and passion, where romantic love can still exist. To me it's about a prince sweeping you off your feet. And not because you are a damsel in distress but because you are the princess behind that successful knight. And the background of the song actually sounds grandiose, sings of something greater than yourself. Together you did it all. For the glory of love.

So exciting right?

Of Eggs, Tangentially.

2006-10-24T23:05:00.000+08:00

I remember when I was age 5 or 6, I would sing the Majulah Singapura every day at 3p.m. when the TV programmes would start. I would stand at attention in front of the TV and sing the anthem with utmost patriotism. Only at the last note would my muscles relax and I'd physically sink back on the couch. There were many times when I missed the Majulah because I overslept and nobody woke me up. I would get so mad at them for not remembering to wake me. I would sit in a corner and cry and cry and cry for hours and I would keep rubbing my legs against each other till they were both sore and red. In manner of trying to start a fire through friction. Eventually, my grandmother had to resort to taping the anthem for me. Whenever I missed it, they'd just play it. I might have known then that it was pre-recorded. I wonder why I didn't get mad at that.

I remember when I was age 12 or 13, there was once my dad was supposed to pick me from Bedok MRT station to come home. He was an hour late because he thought I was supposed to be at Tanah Merah MRT station instead or something like that. This was before the age of mobile technology. I dunno why I didn't just take the bus home myself after waiting for a reasonably long time. I think I didn't want my dad to worry or have to waste a trip or something strange like that. Anyway when he finally came to pick me I got so mad at him. I came home and started smashing things on the floor. I broke this glass figurine and one of the shattered bits cut my fingers. My parents didn't bother about me. They just thought I was crazy. So, I packed my bags and decided to run away from home. I brought my favourite snoopy bag. Took all the money I had which was about 12 or 13 dollars. And some other random items. And told them I was leaving. I walked from my house to the 7-11 nearby and bought myself a mr softee. Mixed flavour - vanilla and chocolate. Strangely, they didn't come to find me immediately. Actually come to think of it, I have very strange parents. Anyway, about one hour later, I was wandering around the neighbourhood and my maid came and took me home. I obediently came home and slept.

I remember when I was age 22, I was in the midst of exams in lawschool. I had just spent the entire day studying in the law library alone. The rest of my family went to my aunty's place for dinner. At about 10 p.m., I left school and walked to the bus-stop to wait for bus no. 10. The bus took really really long to come. Whilst waiting, I got increasingly angry. I was carrying a bag of books and notes. It was getting later and later. And I started thinking things like why won't my parents come and fetch me? Why do they not give me enough money to take a cab home? Why is it that my father always forbade me to take cabs? Why is my life so difficult? The bus finally came. But of course, NUS is rather far from my abode in changi and by the time I got home it was midnight. I was so furious and felt so much pent up stress internally, I went to the kitchen and decided to destroy some things. In my insanity, I was actually rather rational. I didn't wanna break plates because they were not cheap. So I decided to break eggs. I picked up some eggs and started throwing them. But to contain the damage, I threw them in the sink so that it's easier for someone else to clean it up. Unfortunately, the egg yolk decided to rebound and hit the ceiling. So the damage was not exactly contained. After destroying about 10 eggs, I decided I had enough and went to my bedroom to sleep. The next day my parents thought a burglar came to our house and broke 10 eggs and left. They were talking about it in the car till I silenced them by saying I did it. There was some talk about sending me to a psychiatrist but it never happened. I never broke eggs again.

I guess looking at me now, you would never have guessed I did all of the above. And those are only 3 instances. It's weird. I mean I look back now and laugh at myself. However, there are times when we act out of character. There are times when we are not in control of our own behaviour. There are times when we are just plain irrational. Sometimes, it's because we are young. Other times, it's just a moment of pure insanity. I remember Winona Ryder saying in Girl, Interrupted that people in mental institutions are merely mad amplified. We are all mad in our own way. Seriously, I do believe that we need something else to keep us in check. To ensure that the worse of our nature does not surface in the most trying of times. The conscience of one who always knows what's best in every situation. A divine touch that cushions our humanity.

I have a confession to make part deux

2006-10-24T22:29:00.000+08:00

Ok, this is really quite ultimately embarrassing. And I really dunno wassup with me? Am I like in denial that I am like, 26 years old?

You see, about 3 months ago (I think), in the thick of the Singapore Idol Frenzy ("SIF"), I emailed Jonathan Leong.

Then, about 2 months ago, in the super thick of the SIF, he actually replied. But it was a mass mail to all his 'fans'. The day before the finals I think. The recipients of the mass mail were undisclosed. The gist of the email was thank you for supporting me and please vote for me at the finals. [Thankfully I only voted once because my boss told me early in the day that Hady's votes were double his and I figured I couldn't singlehandedly help him win so I gave up.]

Then about 1 month ago, after the SIF, I randomly emailed him again. About a book I was reading, Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children.

Today, 2 months after the SIF, I received another mass email from him regarding his concert (together with alot of other people) at the indoor stadium. This time the recipients list was disclosed. There were probably about 25 people on the list, of which I was one of the 25. Presumably, these 25 people emailed him in the course of the 2 months after the SIF and he was responding to all of them, I mean, us.

And when I saw his email, I totally freaked out because....

(i) I am in this list of 25 people which is probably made up of 12 year old girls who have just completed their PSLE 2 weeks ago.

(ii) Need I say more?

Ok, so I seriously reflected on my behaviour. I mean, I repeat, I really dunno wassup with me? Am I like in denial that I am like, 26 years old? I came up with some possible reasons for my somewhat inexplicable behaviour.

(i) I missed out on all this when I was a teenager. Save for the scarf that I knitted for Vanness at age 22, one of the members of the now defunct F4. The scarf is still somewhere in my room. It was my first (and last) attempt at knitting. Quite pleased with my efforts.

(ii) I am incapable of forming decent friendships/relationships with males that I know. Which is why I have to resort to emailing a Singapore Idol contestant I do not know.

(iii) I never had an imaginary friend when I was young so I have to make up for lost time by making a 'virtual' friend.

(iv) I really really want to be his friend.

Ok, none of the above makes any sense to me yeah? I'm still as bewildered as ever. And yes quite embarrassed by myself. So I'm sharing my embarrassment with you so that if it's spread out amongst more people, it will be spread thinner and therefore I will be less embarrassed.

And will I email him again? I don't know man. Maybe a month later, 4 months after the SIF. Which would bring us to 'I have a confession to make part trois'. Pretty soon, those who do not know how to count in french will soon learn. What an educational, informative blog I have. Pleased.

B-U-R-S-T

2006-10-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

Do you know why lawyers are paid what they are paid?

Because they are supposed to have the extra-ordinary ability not to burst (implode or explode). Be it in times of great pressure, stress, expectations and/or deadlines (as opposed to datelines).

Hence, the monetary compensation is supposed to make up for the following: -
(i) lack of sleep
(ii) bad skin (as a consequence of (i))
(iii) lack of social life cos always have to cancel appointments last minute so u end up not making any
(iv) highly irritable nature which exacerbates (iii) i suppose
(v) highly dominant nature because u have to make decisions all the time and very fast which makes u very unladylike and therefore unmarry-able

How does money make up for it? (in corresponding order)
(i) can buy a better, more comfortable bed, with one of those ergonometrically designed pillows
(ii) expensive skincare products
(iii) er...
(iv) er...
(v) er...

I guess that explains the high attrition rate in the legal profession.

At the end of the day, it's really not about the money. So many intangibles that money cannot buy. Character. Beauty. Quality of life. Not to mention youth and time?

I keep at it because I believe in a higher calling, a greater destiny. That there is a divine plan for my life which belongs in the legal fraternity.

Somedays when I really want to burst, my only anti-burst cream is a promise given to me by the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

Why I love the Sunflower..

2006-10-14T21:33:00.000+08:00

I love sunflowers!

Because they are big, bright and happy!

They are BEAUTIFUL, INVIGORATING and GENEROUS!

They are also BECKONING, RICH, INSPIRING, GREGARIOUS, HONEST and TANTALIZING!

And finally, they are HONOURABLE, ARRESTING, PRETTY, PRECIOUS and YOUNG!

Yes, I just learned how to upload photos and the first photo to appear on my blog must be that of a sunflower!

I remember there was once I was very depressed in the office and I bought this postcard with a field full of sunflowers with my all time favourite verse on it to cheer myself up. It helped.

[The first flower I've ever received from a guy was a lily. Teh. Wrong number. Maybe my fault. I may have been labouring under the delusion that I liked lilies then and represented as such to the world at large.]

I would like many human sunflowers in my life. People who brighten my day and encourage me to go on. It's very tragic to have mainly weeds. Always sad and grumpy.

I would also like to be a sunflower to many people. Not like the haze is not gloomy enough. Not like the prospect of a not too grand bonus isn't demoralising enough. Not like there aren't enough heartaches, pains and disappointments in everyone's life. Why be another cactus?

Packing My Room

2006-08-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole of yesterday packing my room.

And ended up throwing away more than half my room.

It was almost like watching my whole life flash before my eyes. I strongly recommend this trip down memory lane for all. But for it to be most effective you must not have packed your room for the past 5 years. And you must have the whole day free and sprawling before you.

Of all the things that I packed, these are some of the more memorable ones..

1) I threw away 4 big fat black garbage bags worth of notes. When I was going through the pile I was genuinely amazed. Did I really read these? Every single page? Did I really know what on earth I was reading? It's amazing. Education must be one of the greatest reasons why we're chopping down all the trees out there.

2) I came across these essays that I'd written when I was in University. There was this one about whether Singapore should join the International Criminal Court and ratify the treaty. The implications it would have on Singapore's international legal relations and diplomacy. It was a 15 paged essay and it was most clever! Got an A+ and a comment from lecturer Simon Tay (former NMP) saying 'top of the pile!' I think I used to be alot cleverer than I am today.

3) There was also this article that I'd written and it was published in the Australian Law Student's Association magazine. I did not even remember writing such a thing. But it's pretty amazing to think I was a contributor to an Australian Law Students' magazine. And an Australian friend, whom I do not remember knowing, actually took the trouble to post the magazine to me. I was telling my mom about it and she was saying I have to keep it to show my children next time. Haha.

4) I had bags and bags of cards and letters my friends had sent me through the years. Birthday cards, christmas cards, letters from friends who were studying overseas and memories of friends who have since drifted away just overwhelmed me. Wow this person actually depended on me emotionally for support and found it many years ago. Wow there's this friend who faithfully sent me birthday cards, christmas cards and even all the best for exams cards regularly for several years. Was I as faithful a friend? Doubt it. There was this other friend who regularly wrote letters to me and I suppose I wrote back. Even though we could just pick up the phone and call each other. But writing was so much more fun. Memories, memories, memories...

5) I had this huge box of accessories, comprising earrings, rings, more earrings more rings. All fashion faux pas. Things I would never wear today. Big chunky loops. This purple fairy ring which I once thought was very cute. Titanium dolphin earrings. This green rock like ring. Strange how our tastes change when we grow older. These days, I've one pair of diamond earrings, a pair of Japanese earrings and one diamond ring. And that's about all the accessories I wear.

6) Neoprints!! Geez. I have neoprints from like Secondary 3! Way back in 1995. Taken with my 2 best friends then. The Soong sisters we called ourselves. I think I was the one who loved money. A neoprint taken with my lawschool dipsing (people who read law overseas) friends. Neoprints taken in taiwan with my dear friend Ruth and this model/artiste named Engra. I don't even like photos. But I quite like these neoprints. I remember the taiwan neoprint machine had this airbrush function, where it can remove all your zits and make your skin fairer than it really is. I suppose now Singapore has these machines too.

7) Heaps and heaps of stuff toys. Geez. I cannot imagine anyone thinking that I'd like soft toys!! There were these forever friends bears (the rage then) that spelt my name: E-V-A-N only. Not my full name otherwise my friend would have gone quite broke. This sasha bear which I distinctly remember sleeping with for a period of time. But I cannot for the life of me remember who gave it to me. It's called long john sleepyhead bear. I kinda liked that bear. Of all the toys, I only kept one, this green tortoise with eyes rolling and a tuft of hair on the forehead. Most cute. I've kept that.

8) This ginormous patchwork of winnie the pooh which I painstakingly 'stitched'. I cannot remember what this type of patchwork is called. But I think it took me close to 48 hours to finish the piece of work. And it has been rotting in my cupboard for the past 5-6 years? I'm not even very sure why I did it or who it's for. One conclusion: I used to have alot of time!

9) Stacks and stacks of CDs! From Belinda Carlisle to Megahit to Abba to Bee Gees to Sandy Lam to Wang Jie to Michael Jackson to The Carpenters. Very mainstream taste I think. But where did I find the money as a student to buy all these CDs??

10) Books! Ok this is quite astounding. I cannot believe I've so many books in my cupboard. I believe I've more than a 100 story books. Fiction. And these are books that I bought. Probably from my trips to London where I'm a sucker for those Waterstone/Borders 3 books for the price of 2 deals. I remember lugging 20 books back each time. I'd spend all my pounds on books. The secret is: I've not read them all. Those I've not read they probably have very nice covers but not very good content. Haha.

So there you have it! The stuff previously in my room. Most of which I've since disposed or dispensed with. But that's my life for the past 5 years or so.

I think the one conclusion that I can draw is that I've had a very eventful, fruitful life. With little regrets but heaps of beautiful memories.

Last night I was feeling a little depressed because my life used to be so much more fun and fulfilling than today. Or so I think.

But perhaps a better way of looking at it is to forget what is behind and pressing on towards what is ahead. To create more beautiful memories which I can cling on to and relish the next time I pack my room. 5 years later that is.

I Have a Confession to Make

2006-08-16T22:12:00.000+08:00

So. My confession is this: ihaveacrushonjonathanleong. WHO??? JONATHAN LEONG!!! the stick thin singapore idol contestant with the floppy hair and deep mellow voice.

I know any self-respecting 26 year old female lawyer should never watch programmes like singapore idol. Let alone develop a liking for one of the contestants who's 2 years younger than her, who's still in school studying political science and has several earholes on his left year.

BUT he's really very adorable!

He kinda reminds me of Sylvester from last year (whom I spent about $6 voting for) except that for Jonathan (yes we're on a first name basis), I can totally imagine having a perfectly decent, relatively intellectual conversation with him.

Pardon me for a few minutes and let me gush. Jonathan looks like he doesn't talk very much but when he does in his oh so deep and mellow voice he's actually funny! He professes to be a geek in rocker clothes. So unpretentious. So endearing. He likes to read, collect comics and watch movies over and over again. (Ok so I cling onto every word he says.) So down-to-earth. So real. My perfect cup of tea.

Apparently, he was my friend's brother's classmate... hmmm.... (Mind thinks: It's just an introduction. The rest is up to you. Remember that ad??)

Just a while ago, I was gushing to God about Jonathan. (Yeah, cos I've a severe lack of human friends.) And I think God must have been amused by my excitement.

I'm going to start voting to keep jonathan in the competition. Yes I know. It's almost embarrassing to make such a proclaimation. But c'mon, he's really good.

Would you please vote for Jonathan?

A Tinge of Nostalgia

2006-08-13T21:16:00.000+08:00

Opening my eyes
It's a brand new dawn
I curl a little
At the coming of morn

I get out of bed
And grab my favourite bag
Do you get up as early as me?
Or do u like to lag?

Listening to my mom
And paying due care
I get the quick feeling
That you're somewhere out there

Typing a quick sms
I'm caught in a dream
Wouldn't it be lovely
If you also loved green?

I head to the gym
And focus on burning the fat
Which should have been gone
On the day we met

Gathering my files
And clearing my messy desk
Is your day as hectic as mine?
Or do you get a lot more rest?

Sitting in front of my laptop
And typing away
It'd be nice to hear your voice
Every morning and every day

In a meeting with clients
Discussing their case
Thinking of the things I'd do
Just to watch you stand amazed

It's time to go home now
I get into my car
I turn the cd to this song
Diana Krall's just the way you are

Walking on the sidewalk
Wishing on a star
I long for the time
Where I'll know where you are

I used to write heaps of things like this
I'd pen these whimsical thoughts with relative ease
When I was younger and had less heart to lose
To bring a smile or a more than friendly tease
I would love to feel with abandon
But now there's a lot more at stake
Stupid things like pride and fear
Of making another stupid mistake
It'd be nice to be young again
Before I knew of this thing called heart pain

Give Thanks in All Circumstances

2006-08-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

I thank God for each time I have to miss church because of work
For then I do not take entering the House of the Lord for granted.

I thank God for each time I've to work till the wee hours of the night
For then I get to taste of His power in multiplying my rest.

I thank God for each time I get home safe from after working till the wee hours of the night
For then I taste of His protection.

I thank God for every time I've to leave work early
For then I learn to fear God and not man.

I thank God for the many times I know not how to do my work
For then I know that His grace is sufficient for me.

I thank God for the times I make horrendous mistakes at work
For then I know that divine favour transcends human ability.

I thank God for difficult bosses and colleagues whom I work with
For then I learn the true meaning of submission.

I thank God for unloveable people in the office
For then I learn to have a heart of compassion.

I thank God for the chance to work with perfectionists
For then I learn to replace mediocrity with the spirit of excellence.

I thank God for getting into the office at 8 when work starts at 9
For then I get a chance to prayer walk the office in peace and quiet.

I thank God for the days on end that I do not get to see the sun
For nowadays I actually marvel at the shape of clouds.

I thank God that no matter how bad I think things are
His command is still very possible to fulfil.

My Brother is BACK!

2006-06-25T21:29:00.000+08:00

I'm so happy that my brother got back yesterday!

It's funny how I did not really miss him when he was away but when he's back I actually feel very happy! The family feels complete. When I'm troubled I can just go next door to bug someone and whine. And that someone is actually funny and can also pray for me. How delightful!

There's also more than one person for my parents to nag at. Haha.

Welcome back dear brudder.

I never knew it could bring such joy to be close to your family. And it's probably not something I really really really wanted since I was a kid. To be close to my father, mother and brother. But it has happened somehow. Sometimes through making effort. Sometimes by accident. Mostly by the grace of God.

I'm going to end with a really stupid statement: I think family is really important.

Father's Day Card

2006-06-20T22:07:00.000+08:00

My brother studying in Australia sent my dad a father's day card. It arrived today.

In it, he wrote about how when we were younger there was one night my dad caught one of us on the phone in the wee hours of the night but he wasn't sure who. My dad confronted me and I just said no it wasn't me. My dad immediately thought my brother was the culprit and scolded him. In the card, my brother said it wasn't him. It was actually his beloved sister!! And urged my father to scold me now. Probably 10 years too late. In any event, my father did not scold me. Today.

Don't ask me why my brother wrote about this in the card. It's a huge mystery to me. Nevertheless, I must sincerely apologize to my brother. For yet again, taking the rap for me. My poor brother, who used to be so innocent and maligned.

I do have some vague recollection of this incident. Ask me if I'd do something similar again and I wouldn't say no. Perhaps there's just a mean streak in each of us. Try as we may to be good, we are just not so good. =)

Which Sesame Street Character am I?

2006-05-24T08:16:00.000+08:00

You are very organized, more abstract, and both introverted and extroverted.

Here is why are you Big Bird.

You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.You both are abstract thinkers. Big Bird is a dreamer who always wonders what the world is like. You definitely are not afraid to take chances in life. You only live once. You may notice others around you playing it safe, but you are more concerned with not compromising your desires, and getting everything you can out of life. This is a very romantic approach to life, but hopefully you are also grounded enough to get by.You are both somewhat extroverted. Like Big Bird, you probably like to have some time to yourself, but you do appreciate spending time with your friends, and you aren't scared of social situations. Big Bird is always very comfortable around others, but he often prefers the quiet low-key presence that Snuffleupagus provides.

Restful Milan

2006-05-22T00:37:00.000+08:00

I don't really like to blog about mundane things which sound like a minute to minute write up about my life. But this time I shall! Simply because I am in M-I-L-A-N!

I'm sitting in my hotel room right now by the window looking out into the streets which are empty and almost devoid of human activity. I think that's because my hotel is located in the business district and it's Sunday. But in general I think life here ain't very interesting. Pace is slow, food is not as diverse as I'd like it to be. Weather is just nice, air-con room temperature. Lots of nice parks where people picnic or just bring their kids to randomly run around. (Have you ever noticed that kids are really good at running everywhere and yet nowhere??) I suppose it's kinda banal to be sitting around in my hotel room in the early evening. I should be out there exploring stuff and what not. But truth be told, I much prefer to sit in my room and nua. Blogging (which I've not done for ages) and listening to casting crowns' relatively melodramatic music. Just quiet and peace. Which I've not had in a long time. Alone, in solitary confinement and able to just let my thoughts drift without wondering what is it exactly I've to do next? What are the implications of pausing for a few minutes of my life?

I bought a pretty dress from Zara just. Spent two hours walking around the shopping area. So many brands and all so expensive. But I like Zara and I like my Zara dress. It's red and white. Most patriotic. It is also a dress I think I'd like to wear to a garden wedding party. Or something like that. I like dresses. Especially stratford wife type dresses. I hardly have time to go to Zara in Singapore. So it's good I go to Zara in Milan. I like Zara.

Ate 2 ginormous scoops of gelato ice-cream. Yummy.

Waiting for Italian people to take me out to dinner. But actually all I wanna do is sleep... for now. Because it's 1 am in Singapore but it's only 6 pm here. But oh well...

I thank God for rest. After a long long while, I feel rest. I like rest. I like Milan.

Multiple Choice Question #1

2006-04-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

"Get into the habit of inviting guests home for dinner..." Romans 12:13

This can happen in a variety of ways:

1) My guests cook dinner.
2) We tarpau food come my house and eat dinner.
3) Ask my mother/Wiji to cook.
4) I learn how to cook.

I choose 1!

You?

Understanding Failure

2006-04-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

Failure doesn't mean you are a failure... It does mean you haven't succeeded yet.

Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing... It does mean you have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool. It does mean you had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn't mean you have been disgraced... It does mean you were willing to try.

Failure doesn't mean you don't have it... It does mean you have to do something in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean you are inferior... It does mean you are not perfect.

Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life... It does mean you have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn't mean you should give up... It does mean you must try harder.

Failure doesn't mean you will never make it... It does mean it will take a little longer.

Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you... It does mean God has a better idea!

- Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do! by Robert H. Schuller

The God of How Much More

2006-04-08T16:20:00.000+08:00

A while ago, I was struggling with strumming patterns on the guitar.

Last night, I wrote my first song. Whilst driving home from guitar class. God never fails to amaze me. Now I know why I was created with rhymes in my head.

These are the lyrics. If you ever get hold of me, I can sing it to you.

YOU’VE CALLED ME

You’ve called me
On this journey
Of dying to myself
You’ve called me
On this journey
The road to Calvary
You’ve called me Lord
To be Your light on earth
You’ve called me Lord
To love the ones I serve

The ones for whom You bled and died
The ones for whom You were crucified
You said O Lord forgive them
For they know not what they do
The ones You’ve called on me to serve
Are the ones that I find hard to love
So help me Lord to understand
That this is Your salvation plan

Animals in Heaven?

2006-03-23T08:36:00.000+08:00

Guess this might answer the question of millions of children in the world.....

"You care for people and animals alike O Lord..." Psalms 36:6b (NLT)

I only like 5 animals (cow, horse, frog, tortoise and duck). (horse is my all time favourite).(actually i quite like cow also).

the smallest parents in the world

2006-03-19T20:01:00.000+08:00

I have the smallest parents in the world. They see to the smallest things in my life.

They make sure there's enough milk in the fridge for me to drink. (As you can see, milk is a big thing with me.)

My dad especially makes sure that everything in the house is functional. He runs errands for me as well, like buy parking coupons, send my laundry to the drycleaners, pays my bills and ensures there's air in my car tyres. (I never knew u had to pump them, I thought the air just remained and never left.) And he knows where the cheapest anything in the world is! So I can just ask him to buy. (Not just where to buy heh.) He also knows every place in Singapore so I can ask him for directions when I don't know! Although I drive, he still sends me around! Like to expo because the parking is so expensive and when I wanna return dvds I rent and don't wanna pay parking, he will drop me I will run up and when I come down he's still there!

My mum is the best mum in the world! Because she supports me in everything I do. If I'm going to have a party, she'll whip up the best dishes. When I'm stressed she'll feed me chicken essence with ginseng! When I look like I have bad skin she gives me bird's nest. And she feeds me fruits in the morning when we're driving to work. And I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but she helps me wrap birthday presents, because I cannot wrap to save my life.

I'm bad with the small things. Cos I either don't know about them or forget. Also, I like to dream about big things, like packing the stadium, aeroplanes.. stuff like that. So I'm not exactly a detailed person. Not that it's a good reason to be spoilt. Cos yeah, the above does make me sound very spoilt. But this is not my point! My point is that my parents are the best parents in the world! Because they love me and support me in everything that I do. They make me look good! I must learn to make them look good too! Then they can be the biggest parents in the world!

the cake shop across the road

2006-03-19T19:00:00.000+08:00

Today, we celebrated my friend's birthday.

There's this new cake shop across the road which my mom told me about. And apparently they don't have very much business. You know the usual: Wah wonder how they're going to survive in such an ulu place. Where to find customers? But my mom also said that they're a christian cake shop. Because she saw this sign on the wall which said something about Jesus being the bread of life. And she spoke to the boy tending the shop and he said they close on sundays because it's the sabbath! So I decided to support them! I will be a customer!

(Just like the cafe next to it, when it first opened, I went there to eat. Then one day I saw this sign in the toilet, by the way, the toilet is super nice, if got chance I bring you. Anyway, I saw this sign in the toilet which read: ask and u shall be given. Wah! Christian toilet. So everytime I go eat there, I will say grace and then pray for God to bless them with business so they won't close down! The shops across the road have a habit of closing down. And I'm so happy that they have alot of business nowadays! There was one Saturday, I actually saw people queueing to get in to eat! Wah I was jumping around the house in joy! Do not be mistaken, I don't have a share.)

So for today's birthday celebration, I ordered a chocolate cake from across the road! And got it delivered on Saturday.

We had a simple birthday celebration today. We watched a dvd then we cut the cake and sang the birthday song. A random thought crossed my mind: Wah this is not very fun, especially not for a 13 year old birthday girl. But after cutting the cake, she actually said that she found the whole thing very heartwarming. And that she has never really celebrated her birthday like that before.

Wow. How foolish I was. So many times, we think that we need an extravagant display. Fireworks. A huge crowd for the party. A grand band. Stuff like that that will sweep people off their feet. But alot of times, what touches the heart cannot be perceived by the naked eye.

I also choose to believe that her heart was warmed because of the cake. If there's such a thing as an anointed cake, today we ate an anointed cake. Because it came from a shop which dares to be different. A shop that chooses to believe that Jesus came to give us the bread of life.

What I would appreciate in a guy...

2006-03-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

1) Sincerely finds all my jokes funny. Because I really think that I'm very funny, just that not everybody thinks so.

2) He puts milk in the fridge. That shows he can take care of me, especially my bones.

3) Good sense of direction. If I've to direct him, I might as well drive?

4) Aspires towards communication without conversation in a relationship with me (no other human allowed.)

5) Likes to spend hours sitting in a car and staring at the sky waiting for a random aeroplane to fly by.

6) Ti3 tie1 (there's probably no appropriate translation in English but something along the lines of sweet by paying attention to the little details). For instance, refilling my supply of sweets in the car cos I often forget.

7) Can play many instruments and sing a million songs.

Of course, standard conditions apply. The above are just bonuses... :-)

tao ji ji

2006-03-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

I like david tao because....

1) I think it's so cool to be able to merge God's passion with yr passion. God's passion is for men to know Him. David's passion is music. So, David makes God known through His music.

2) It's so hard to market God through commercial music because it may be a turn-off but David manages to draw people to God through His music. So amazing.

3) His hair covers his face. So mysterious. I like.

4) His voice is very powerful. Can sing anything and everything.

5) His music actually makes me happy. (Hua la la la la la....)

6) He's very funny. (Please refer to the lyrics of my anata and he wants a six-pack like Brad Pitt.)

7) He's very charming. Almost as charming as pastor khong, just not as charming.

8) He has this song about a butterfly which he says is about his relationship with God. And butterflies are special to me. Butterflies come from caterpillars!

9) He can play alot of instruments! So talented.

10) Ok lah, he's quite handsome. :-)

turn your eyes upon Jesus

2006-03-09T08:43:00.000+08:00

Today I parked next to a very familiar car. When I got out of my car, I saw that the car number plate had the words " TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS." I thought it's so cool! I also want to put on my number plate!!

I thought it's cool because I envisaged this situation: one day I'll be driving in front of someone who desparately needs God and then when he looks in front the answer is so clear! TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS! Wah I can be a blessing to so many drivers! I must pray that that will happen!

However, now that I sit down properly and think about it, it is quite a 'courageous act'.

Imagine: this would bar me completely from reckless driving. I'm not allowed to be impatient on the road. I must ALWAYS give way, even to drivers who are rude and do not indicate. I cannot speed. I cannot anyhow cut people's lane. Must always be a polite driver. Wah doesn't sound very fun anymore.

But I think I will still ask the person how to get it on my number plate. After all, what's so bad about being a polite and safe driver?

What's in a baby?

2006-03-03T08:30:00.000+08:00

I believe one of the reasons most people are so excited over babies is that a baby is a newborn. (Like duh?! Allow me to elaborate.) A newborn baby symbolizes a fresh start, a new beginning. Innocence and uncontamination (which most of us cannot profess to have.) A baby also represents a clean slate of hopes that have not led to disappointment, aspirations and dreams which have a lifetime to be fulfilled.

Most of us have gone through a number of years of living and along the way, we've picked up baggages of guilt, pain and disappointment. And I suppose many of us long for a fresh start. If only I could return to the year 1985, when I was a naughty little punk. I actually pulled the chair from under my grandmother and caused her to fall down. Why did I do that? I don't know. It was a moment of pure malice on my part. And this is the grandmother who brought me up and I deeply loved (she's since departed). Till this day I feel deeply repentant. I don't remember much of my childhood but I remember this. And I would like to go back to that fateful day just to rectify this mistake. I would gladly go through PSLE, O Levels, A Levels all over again.

A baby represents a perfect life, one that's not marred by mistakes and not scarred by other people's mistakes.

So for my dear friend whose baby was just born 2 days ago, I truly and sincerely pray that she will be spared the harsh rigours of this life but will always be clothed by the grace of Jesus. That her destiny will be committed to the Lord from day 1 for that's the only way she will be protected and kept safe. And as new parents, as my pastor said, by the time u get the hang of parenting your job is over. It's really on the job training and there's bound to be mistakes made along the way. So I pray that you will be blessed with great wisdom and understanding. And the source of this is a deep fear of the Lord. So may you always bring your dear daughter up in and with the fear of the Lord in your hearts. God bless your family.

M-I-R-R-O-R

2006-02-23T21:32:00.000+08:00

I read 2 Corinthians 3 (NLT) today and here's my 3-point devotion/prayer...

1) v. 18 " And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and reflect His glory even more."

I pray that you who read this will be a mirror that reflect God's glory. May the Spirit work persistently in you to clean the stains in the mirror, removing any dark spots that hinders brightness.

2) v. 17 "Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, He gives freedom."

As the Spirit works persistently in you, I pray that you will receive freedom from bondages, unhealthy mindsets, doubts, fears and secular desires.

3) v.4 "It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success comes from God."

And when God brings the work in your life to completion, may all declare that all power, all glory, all honour and all praise belongs to God alone.

Be a ...

M - y
I - mage
R- ightly
R - eflecting
O - ur Lord's
R - ighteousness...

What kinda of mirror would you be without the word "Lord's"?

An Anointed Song

2006-02-21T08:55:00.000+08:00

God is in Control - Twila Paris

This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determination
Don't lose the vision here
Carried away by the motion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
For there is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him
We know ooh God is in control

History marches on
There is a bottom line drawn across the ages
Culture can make its plan
Oh but the line never changes
No matter how the deception may fly
There is one thing that has always been true
It will be true forever

He has never let you down
Why start to worry now
Why start to worry now
He is still the Lord of all we see
And He is still the loving Father watching over you and me

Watching over you
Watching over me
Watching over everything
Watching over you

Watching over me
Every little sparrow
Every little king

(italics indicate my favourite parts)

How then shall we run?

2006-02-19T22:21:00.000+08:00

"Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win." (NLT) 1 Corinthians 9:24

"How wonderful it is, how pleasant, when brothers live together in harmony!" (NLT) Psalms 133:1

With these 2 seemingly paradoxical passages of scripture, my question is: how to run together if everyone runs at a different pace?

Several weeks ago, I went jogging with my brother at Bedok Reservoir. My brother who's male and fresh from NS vs me who sits around the office and stares at the computer all day long. Who do u think runs faster?

So after a while, I paiseh-edly asked my brother to go ahead without me and I will see him at the end.

This sparked off a whole series of questions as to how people run in the army. Does everyone run together? If they do, then whose pace do they run at? If they don't then how to sing songs (cos I always imagine them singing strange songs about loving Singapore and also to build camaradarie)?

If u're wondering the same thing (I think u must be a girl, either that or young boy), the answer is as follows: in the army, some run fast and some run slow. There will usually be one super fast runner who will run to the end first. Then come back and run, pace and encourage the next one behind. Then when they reach the end, they will run back and encourage the next in line. And it goes on and on till everyone finishes the race. Together.

When I learned this lesson from my brother, I wanted to blog it. But I couldn't find the words. Today I realized why. The ultimate revelation I received during service today is this: Jesus did the same. He is our forerunner. Yet He ran back to get us. The Son of God became the Son of Man so that we can run on the same track. Together.

So.. how then shall we run?

For those who run fast, let us be diligent and humble enough to run back.

For those who run slow, let us be wise and humble enough to receive help.

(For those with the inquisitive boliao minds like me: yes the army boys do start off singing songs but along the way, they stop. I also asked if the last person runs alone, what happens? Will usually end up walking. I had a barrage of questions but I shall not indulge the full extent of my boliao-ness.)

The Levitical Joke Part Deux...

2006-02-18T11:23:00.000+08:00

"Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces..." Psalms 34:5

I guess I don't need to go for facials anymore!!

My favourite defence...

2006-02-18T11:00:00.000+08:00

My favourite scene in spiderman 2 is that part where after spiderman stops the train from crashing and saves the lives of a million innocent people he lies flat on the floor with his mask off and there's a crowd of people hovering over him and staring at the person who just saved all their lives. And out of the blue, this random person goes: he's just a boy...

Yes he's just a boy, barely of age. And if u watched the movie, that's exactly how spiderman felt. I'm just a boy. I just wanna study, get a degree, go out with the love of my life and be at peace with the world.

If you think this applies only to boys, think again...

Julia Roberts in that movie where she's a famous movie star and Hugh Grant is this shackled owner of a bookshop. I believe it's called Nottinghill but I can't really remember. There's this scene which I'm sure struck a chord in many female hearts. Where Julia with her lanky legs, perfect face and brilliant smile goes I'm just a girl, as opposed to some bigshot movie star. Just love me the way u'd love any other girl. (Of cos all eyes roll, ure not just a girl, Julia.)

The idea is appealing. I'm just an ordinary person. Nothing special. Don't expect me to save the world or look good all the time.

It definitely appeals to me. I just wanna eat my eggs in peace and sleep my ordinary sleep. I'm not even being demanding.

Of course, sometimes there are people who come along whom everyone else thinks is just a boy/girl but themselves beg to differ.

When David wanted to go fight Goliath, King Saul said "don't be ridiculous! there's no way u can go against the Phillistine. YOU ARE ONLY A BOY... 1 Sam 17:33. But guess what? The boy defeated the giant.

Much as I like my favourite defence, I guess more often than not, it's not who I am but who my God is that matters.

Dear John...

2006-02-11T00:01:00.000+08:00

29 September, 1983 my baby brother was born
As he grew up his weight I used to scorn
I personally don't think I was a sister from hell
But let's just say I wasn't all that swell
I remember that he was tubby as a child
And very bully-able because he was so mild
Over the tv and the phone we used to fight
And I like to believe that I was always right
Apparently I used to pull his cheeks when in a rage
When there was not peace but war that waged
I knew he was terrified to wake me when I was asleep
For my temper was like a beating with a whip
I was always the more conniving and difficult one
I'd get away with almost anything I want done
Perhaps we did play together from time to time
And I suppose not being a doting sis is not a crime
But beyond the fights and tiffs we had
One thing that now makes me rather sad
I think my brother grew up feeling less than me
That he was never as good as I could be

As time went by we each grew up
Each other's lives we kinda bo-chuped.
Conversations were few and far between
Only at random family meals was the other seen
Conversation centred around that moment's dish
Along the lines of please pass the fish
I suppose growing up years are never easy
Especially when ure grappling with your own identity

More time passed and I don't even remember how it went
But a sibling relationship between us began
I'd go to his room and force him to talk to me
Or I'll sit on him and he'll cease to be
Although that's my way of being friendly
It's really kinda unreasonable, I can see
I often feel really bad
For many years, a good sister my brother never had
Now when we sit down and talk
Or go around the area for a jog
I'd wish we did this many years ago
That together, as brother and sister we'd grow
But I'm thankful that we did start
To understand each other's heart
And I am beginning to understand and see
That your heart is something I can only hope to be
You have a gentle and simple way
And I'm really proud of you today
I'm not saying that you're perfect
There are many things that you still lack
But I like you just the way you are
I know you have it in you to be a star
So I pray that you'll start believing in yourself
And not in things like looks and wealth
Believe that the Creator has a beautiful plan for your life
One that's free from confusion and strife
Step out from the shadow of yesteryear
Let there be no more doubt or fear
Though for a while we will be apart
Know that you're in my heart
Because my little brother you will always be
Even if you're way taller than me
Take good care of yourself while you're there
It may be expensive but please cut your hair
Everyday for you I will say a little prayer
For I know our Father up in heaven there
Will care for you and your every need
And you're in good hands indeed

Thinking about the way you think...

2006-02-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

Just last night I was in the office working till past 3am and had to be back in the office by 8am for a full day's work. Here's a snippet of some thoughts running through my head:

1) I wanna quit my job. Surely there are better ways to make money which goes on to next point...
2) If I married a rich tortoise, I won't have to work.... which leads to the next point
3) God, why did u send me here? (did I follow the wrong tortoise?? please refer to my hey shang xue le story which is not to be found on my blog and if ure wondering where u can find it.... ah ha! it's a mystery! some say it's good to be mysterious. but i won't be too mysterious cos it's quite sad if ure mysterious but nobody wants to find out about u which is why i would like to append a picture below but i haven't learned how to do it yet so...)
4) I'm so going to die sleep-driving home

Those are just snippets. Censored snippets to be exact.

Seriously, have u ever wondered what runs through a person's mind? If you just thought about what you think about, you'll be surprised at firstly the volume of thoughts, and secondly, the content of your thoughts.

Have you also wondered how it's possible to not gossip? I've tried not gossiping but if I think it in my head it's still gossiping what, albeit with myself.

I choose to believe that my words come from my thoughts so the only way to control my speech is to control the way I think.

So this morning when I woke up, I decided to practice something different, something i've not done before. I decided to choose the way I think:

1) Instead of 1, 2 & 3 above I told Him: God I don't know why u put me in my workplace but I believe u won't sabo me because u love me so help me through this day.
2) Instead of 4, I meditated on this verse: even if I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for your rod and your staff they comfort me. Trust me, when ure driving on the ECP at 7ish a.m. and there's a jam and ure like super groggy, u do feel like ure walking thru the valley of the shadow of death.

And i got thru the day with a smile and i would take a picture of it and post it here except....

Quotable Quotes

2006-02-07T23:24:00.000+08:00

"we must learn to become the kind of person who plans things but who doesn't fall apart if that plan doesn't work out"

-Battlefield of the Mind, Joyce Meyer

"But the Lord still waits for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for Him to help them."

-Isaiah 30:18

I Believe...

2006-02-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

I believe everyday can be a miracle if I only dared to ask
I believe nothing is impossible if God's involved in the task

I believe God knows when I'm weak evern when I look strong
I believe He knows me inside out and knows when something's wrong

I believe He loves me no matter what I do
I believe He loves me even when I'm not cool

I believe He cares for every little thing in my life
I believe He plans for me to be someone's wife

I believe He watches me when I play the guitar
I believe He plans for me to be a star

I believe that when I talk to Him He's there
I believe I'm not just causing ripples in the air

I believe when I'm in trouble all I have to do is call
I believe I can do that with every problem, no matter how small

I believe that God sends airplanes just for me to see
I believe God is happy when He sees me in glee

I believe God smiles when I say goodnight
I believe He tucks me in and says sleep tight

I believe God wants the very best for me in life
I believe that through the struggle and the strife

I believed that if everyday I lived what I believe
I would cause Him a lot less grief

In Search of the Levitical Joke

2006-02-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

Whoever thinks the Bible is boring does not know what he's talking about.

Psalms 18:29 (NLT)
"With my God I can scale any wall"

So, King David wanted to be spiderman? Or did Peter Parker wanna be a Bible character?

Jonah 2:5 (NLT)
"I sank beneath the waves, and death was very near. The waters closed in around me, and seaweed wrapped itself around my head."

Just visualize it. Yes, Jonah the original seaweed turban-man.

Ruth 2:15-16 (NLT)
"When Ruth went back to work again, Boaz ordered his young men, Let her gather grain right among the sheaves without stopping her. And pull out some heads of barley from the bundles and drop them on purpose for her. Let her pick them up, and don't give her a hard time!"

Why not just drop the heads of barley right into Ruth's basket?

(And this is my favourite...)

Esther 2:3, 12(NLT)
"Let the king appoint agents in each province to bring these beautiful young women into the royal harem at Susa. Hegai, the eunuch in charge, will see that they are all given beauty treatments... Before each young woman was taken to the king's bed, she was given the prescribed twelve months of beauty treatments - six months with oil of myrrh, followed by six months with special perfumes and ointments."

Spa is biblical!

The bible is funnier than you think, eh?

A jarring wiry chord..

2006-02-02T21:28:00.001+08:00

For the past 3 weeks or so, I've been sacrificing half an hour of sleep almost every night to do one thing: p-r-a-c-t-i-c-e-t-h-e-g-u-i-t-a-r.

Before I sacrificed my sleep, here's the other things I had to give up:

1) My lovely long fingernails (think along the lines of no more delightful manicures with delightful nail art)

2) My Friday nights for guitar lessons (think along the lines of it's the only night I'm almost confirmed able to leave work before 8pm which is why lessons are scheduled on this day)

3) $500 plus on guitar, gear and class fees (ok this is not really a sacrifice, it would have gone into something frivolous anyway, like manicures: see 1 above)

4) The lovely skin just below the tip of my nails (think along the lines of callouses, birthed after 3 weeks of practicing after 26 years of not doing any housework and thereby preserving my lovely hands) (i think of this chinese idiom that goes: xue2 hao3 san1 nian2, xue2 huai4 san1 tian1)

Ok, come to think of it, none of the above 4/5 'sacrifices' are really a big deal. C'mon get real. God instructed, I obeyed. It's as simple as that. And I do entertain grandiose dreams of being able to lead worship and play fluently with the guitar, to minister to the hearts of many. That's truly a dream. Which I intend to fulfil by the end of the year. (So there, I've written it on a public domain, so I have to practice and pray really hard for God to turn me into a guitar genius).

So I strum and I strum and I press and I press. I try to sing along (sometimes when I'm not too busy trying to find out which strings to press). (now for those who don't know, I was classically trained in the piano for 8 years and am thereby used to using fingers to press keys and play the melody to songs. my point is: guitar is like a whole new world, where strings are staple, chords are alien and what on earth are strumming patterns?!) (ok maybe my real point is that i'm not musically talented and am definitely not a guitar genius.) So as i was trying to say, i really DO NOT enjoy practicing the guitar. And for those who are not guitar geniuses like me, you'll understand! I've difficulty pressing the right strings because my fingers are not used to it. And most of the time even when I do press the right strings the right chord does not come out! Why is that?! I don't know. In its place, this really jarring wiry sound comes out and you wonder to yourself: is this music?? So after you get one chord right, there's the next chord! And changing from one chord to another is really not as single as changing from one key on the piano to another.

I know some would think: wah this girl is really a grouch man! What does she expect? Instant success? Practice makes perfect - the age old mantra which holds true till today!

Well I agree! I'm a brat. I expect to be an instant genius at everything I do. Simply because I'm used to doing only things I'm good at. That guarantees success. It's foolproof. If I was good at brushing my teeth, I'd just brush my teeth the whole day and be proud of the fact that I've such white, bacteria free teeth. Makes sense, doesn't it? (Note: my example does not really really make sense. If you think it does, please drop me a note, I'd like to be your friend. Also please note that I said 'if' so I'm not good at brushing my teeth.)

Doing something I'm not good at makes me uncomfortable. It's much like that jarring wiry sound that comes out when I don't press the guitar strings properly. It's just not pleasant.

Brattish as I am, I do understand one thing: unless one is placed in an uncomfortable position, one would never grow. God, make my life a miracle! Why would I need a miracle unless I'm placed in a situation that needs one? God, help me grow through the greatness of my tasks! If the tasks are always the same, how to grow?

And so I persevere.

And today, I tasted a fruit. A strange fruit, not in the likes of apple or orange. There was this strumming pattern I did not understand. Don't ask me to explain to you why I don't understand. You probably wouldn't understand. Just accept that I didn't get it. And I've been working on it for about a week. And finally today, when I picked up the guitar to play, it just suddenly came naturally to me. Don't ask me how. I believe it's divine. But more than that, God spoke. Through my crap playing? Yes, through my crap playing. Through the jarring wiry chords? Yes through the jarring wiry chords. Only the strumming pattern was right. And yet He spoke. Not only did He speak but He gave me the answer for a question I had not even asked.

Some people ask me why I do the things I do and why I follow God like a fanatic.

The answer is simple. He finds beauty in a jarring wiry chord.

What it would have been...

2006-02-02T08:45:00.001+08:00

Save for intervention from above, this would have been my personal write-up on the firm website:

Evangeline was born in 1980 at Mt. Alvernia Hospital (most people were born at KK). She graduated from Primary School with an illustrous aggregate score of 277. Her grades peaked at age 12 and it was all downhill from there.

Evangeline graduated from NUS in 2003 with an Honours degree in law and was the recipient of the Montrose Memorial Book Prize for Jurisprudence in 2002. She commenced her career with the Singapore Legal Service as a Deputy Public Prosecutor. In 2005, she joined the leading criminal law firm of Harry Elias Partnership. Tapping on her previous experience, Evangeline does criminal matters of all shapes and sizes. She is also involved in the firm's Construction Law Practice and General Civil Litigation groups.

Just some random information about Evangeline: she likes the colour green and would like to own a farm in Australia.